The Calm

Sometimes, those rare golden times, a strange calm washes over me. It’s like watching a war unfold from the comfort of my living room. An overwhelming sense that the universe is a lot bigger than me, and being humbled by it rather than frightened. I feel like no decision is the wrong decision. That no matter what somehow, some way, I’ll get to that light at the end of the tunnel. That sweet spot in the universe that’s been carved out uniquely for me, just waiting for me to slide right in.

It’s not happy, it’s not sad. I didn’t win the lottery today. Nor did I get my dream job, dream car, or reunite with my girlfriend. I wasn’t humbled by some tragedy, or forced to choose between life or death. It’s just a calm, for no rhyme. No reason.

And as quickly as the calm comes, it leaves. No matter how hard I try to bottle it, capture it, preserve its memory. I don’t know why it ebbs and flows, I don’t even know why it’s important. But something tells me that it is. Something tells me that when ancient warriors rode in to certain death, they felt it. When Hemingway pulled that shotgun up to his head and drew his last breath, he felt it. When Da Vinci put that last brush stroke on the Sistine Chapel, I bet you he felt it too. Like some golden nugget left over by every person throughout history who led a life worth living, guiding me along some path to help me become something greater than myself.

Maybe it’s all bullshit, just a bunch of synapses firing and chemical reactions conspiring to grand illusions that I perceive but don’t really exist. We could all be a bunch of ants on our big Earth anthill, groping and impulsing our way through flexible, immeasurable time and space. No consequences, no limitations or morals except the ones that we impose upon ourselves.  Sometimes I think this is true. Then the calm washes over me once again.

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One Response to “The Calm”

  1. I’ve been wondering when you were going to start a blog…it seems like the most natural thing for you to do! Sending you love every day, and praying for a speedy reunion for you and Constance.; )
    xo
    Mom

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